From Holding it Together to Holding Myself

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I am coming from years of challenge — and if I am honest, these years feel more like an eternity. The inner explorations and healings accompanying them were neither pretty nor nice.

What I am starting to realize is that, partially, these times were even more difficult because I did not give myself permission to be with what was truly happening.

Things were breaking down around me. Relationships were crumbling. My mental health was not great.

I was not allowing myself to see the truth of what was going on in my life. Partly because I did not know how.

I ignored the truth that life was trying to show me.

I was taught to stay positive. I was used to playing the role of the happy, light-hearted one. I was taught that anger was not acceptable. Bad things did not happen to me.

So, I glossed over. I made up excuses. I did not allow myself to have a slow day - or a cranky one. I continued to push myself. I always blamed me. I stayed stuck in the loop.

What I did not do:

I did not hold myself through any of it. I did not extend compassion to the parts of me that were hurting. I fought hard against all of these instincts. I was in denial about the amount of actual nurturing I needed.

That cost me a lot of energy. Keeping up that illusion — it was exhausting.

And here I was blaming myself because I was still not better.

When that illusion came crumbling down, and I could see the truth — for example that a relationship had shifted to another level a long time ago, without me acknowledging it giving myself permission to let it go — it was hard not to turn on myself.

I have to be honest. I did. I went into shame. I scolded myself for not being stronger, or better, or faster — you know how that voice goes.

What I am beginning to understand now is how detrimental that was to me.

That inner scolding was not motivating. It wasn’t protective. It was just draining.

Now, I can see that I do have another option. I can start choosing myself. Not by fixing myself — but by loving myself. By giving myself what I need in this very moment, based on what my heart, my soul, and my body are asking for. Instead of continuing the same loop.

So right now, my practice is very small. Listening. Slowing down. Giving myself what I need — not what I think I should need. And that feels like a beginning.