Redefining Success
Feeling fully alive and in tune with the world and myself (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)
It’s about feeling alive
What does success mean for you?
Success, for me, is about how I’m feeling on the inside and how connected I am with my body; it’s about being present. It’s about being gentle and loving with myself, no matter what shows up. It’s about not running from myself, but being there with me, every single moment, may it be a joyful or a sad one. It’s about allowing all of it because this is what makes me feel alive.
I used to believe success was a random power gifted to me by outside forces which I couldn’t control. I tried to understand the rules to play along, defining myself via the role I assumed would help me in succeeding. It drove me into action-mode, pushing, and shapeshifting, all with the attempt of holding with me the fleeting feeling of success - which could have looked like bringing home good grades from school, being the fastest, quickest, and best in everything I did, or never stepping out of line. I measured success in likes, by the number of phone calls, text messages, and invitations I received.
It left a desert within.
I never understood what the desert within me needed. It was dark and dry, waiting to be filled with life, waiting to bloom. I kept chasing random droplets of water hoping they would satisfy my inner wasteland. Brief encounters with the adrenaline of recognition, admiration, adventure, or consumption, fueled by outside forces.
Those droplets kept me going, for brief moments. Until they didn’t anymore, until the desert from the inside took over for good and I couldn’t ignore its cries any longer.
Everything fell to pieces.
From the outside, during all this time of drowning in my inner desert, if you had looked at me, you would have defined my life as successful life. Three children, married, a nice house to life in, wonderful holidays. All pretty and beautiful on the outside. Nothing but desert on the inside.
I finally turned to my inside to see. I looked at the desert for the first time. It was barren, scary, and filled with pain. I knew I had to walk through it. There was no other way. So, I walked. I felt thirsty, burned, alone, but I kept walking because there was no other path.
In hindsight, I know there was lots of help and guidance. I didn’t see it then. People, books, my angels, and guides, but I could not recognize this at that time. I feel truly grateful for all the support I received while walking though my inner desert. They never gave up on me and I managed to keep going. Sometimes, it was extremely hard, and my steps slowed down; and sometimes, I couldn’t even continue at all, but just stood there, in my own inner desert, scared and lost, without being able to move on.
Until I finally understood the only thing that ever counted was what I was experiencing and feeling on the inside. That I was the only one who could bring back life to myself. That my inner desert needed to be watered by my own life force. What I had been seeking on the outside, had been hidden within all along.
Success, for me, means to be who I am, in alignment with myself, my true joy, my true passion, my true self, my values, and yes, also my fears, grief, and pain. I allow everything to be a part of this rich tapestry. It’s what makes me feel alive. My desert has turned into a blooming meadow.
When you think of success, what comes up for you?
