Why True Belonging is About Being Myself, Not Changing Myself

Being true to myself - just like an animal can be (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

Coming from a place of love

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Brené Brown “The Gifts of Imperfection” on Belonging

I’ve been searching for true belonging and connection my entire life. I was mainly looking outside of me, hoping and expecting to find belonging through connection with other people.

In “Braving the Wilderness”, Brené Brown says:

“Even as I wrote this (book), I still thought of belonging as requiring something external to us – something we secured by, yes, showing up in a real way, but needing an experience that always involved others. So as I dug deeper into true belonging, it became clear that it’s not something we achieve or accomplish with others; it’s something we carry in our heart. Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours.”

As I read these words, my first thought was “I could have known this”. After all, my life lessons of the last few years have been about looking on the inside, relying on my own innate wisdom, feeling into myself and, ultimately, finding what I need within. It went to the extreme where most lifelines I had flung out in an attempt to belong and connect were simply cut, until I had no other option but to be with myself.

Still, I feel wired for connection with other human beings. We all are, I suppose. However, if true belonging can only happen when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, I need to find myself first. I’ve been exploring the archetypes of survival by Caroline Myss and in a class by Robert Ohotto, and I learned I hold the archetype of the ‘invisible child’ as one of my survival patterns. As a child, I did not want to be seen. This was one of my coping strategies, maybe because I am an empath and sensitive to other’s energies. I continued this pattern through adolescence and into my adulthood. For me, this meant blending in, holding back my own thoughts and opinions, questioning myself whenever I accidentally let slip a genuine thought and overall taking on the energies of the environment I was in. This also meant I always got along with anyone. I could chat with everyone, I always fitted in. I prided myself on this ability. I was easy going, but the cost was losing myself.

I spent the last few years re-discovering the real ‘me’, releasing all the masks and parts I had been wearing. This process was often painful and challenging. I am in a phase now where I am looking at my own needs, my own truth, my own inner energies, and my own opinions and I decided to start voicing these. The goal is to say what I want and to express my needs. I’m over 40. I feel like a toddler. It’s baby steps and it feels very uncomfortable. I have to admit I don’t know how to do this.

Making the conscious choice to show up as ‘me’ requires courage and bravery. Not all of my opinions will be accepted by everyone. In theory, I understand this. We are a world of millions of opinions all forming part of the one truth, in its myriad of shades and nuances. In practice, this is not as easy. I never learnt to sit in discomfort, so the prospect of experiencing it did not feel inviting.

I had a trial week with showing up as ‘me’ which meant voicing my emotions, my feelings and my truth, and here is what happened:

A)    I communicated I felt sad.

1.       This part was ignored. It was as if people didn’t hear it. They didn’t reply to that part and only responded to other parts of the conversation which did not involve emotions. I didn’t feel heard.

2.      People told me not to be sad. I didn’t feel seen.

B)    I communicated a feeling but chose words that could have been misinterpreted triggering a reaction in the other person. I felt ashamed because in trying to be ‘me’ I had messed it up.  

C)    I was in a more public setting / in a treatment and I chose not to voice my feelings because I did not know the person very well. I spent the rest of the treatment biting back my tears not able to focus on the present moment. I suppressed my emotions and I did not feel brave.

After this week of showing up as ‘me’, I felt disappointed, overwhelmed and discouraged. I found it hard!

 “Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness – an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching…. True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.”

Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

This path toward being myself and showing up as myself is challenging. I feel like I’m walking over hot coals. I never know if the next step might lead to an explosion. Deep inside, I know this is the way forward, but that does not make it easy. However, if vulnerability and speaking our truth from our heart space are the keys toward true belonging, I know I need to keep going, despite the difficulties.

Please, let’s build bridges together, toward true connection and belonging, filled by love.