8 Ways I Am Now Gentler With Myself

8 ways of stepping forward (image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

My health challenge nudged me onto this path

Over the last few years, I shifted the way I see and perceive life. I changed how I operate on the inside and show up on the outside. It was a deep inner journey which led me to question almost everything. While I look forward to continue learning and growing, the shift of the last years feels like a major transformation. Looking back, I acknowledge my ‘old’ self with its habits and style. I’m not saying anything was wrong with this way of life, however, I had reached an end point and it was time for a new ‘me’ to come in.

I did not embark on this transformation voluntarily. My body forced me onto this path by presenting me with several health challenges. My standard remedies did not yield lasting results which meant I had to forge a different path for myself and change how I show up from the inside out.

What exactly did I do to tweak my life? There wasn’t a sudden ‘aha’ moment leading to “Well, from today on, this is the new me and these are the eight rules for my new lifestyle!” It absolutely did not happen like this. Instead, the changes were gradual and often subtle. I consciously implemented a few while others sort of ‘transpired’. Some felt natural and easy, while others are a struggle (still!) and feel more like a tango (one step forward, two steps back ….).

Looking back, I can distill these 8 major shifts:

1.       I acknowledge when I am not feeling well

I started this only because I had no energy left to run my usual ‘action-super-wonder-woman’ program. I was burnt-out and my body shut down - which would have made me angry, but I didn’t even have the energy left for this! Working through my burn-out and depression helped me to arrive at ‘acknowledgement’, though this really happened much later, after I had moved through several detoxes, rest, emotional work and healing.

Today, I handle this concept better, though, occasionally, I still go into judgement about not ‘doing enough’ or being ‘active enough’.

2.       I allow myself to be still

Given that I spent the first forty years of my life running away from myself, this did not come naturally. Rather, this was a result of my health challenges. I was too exhausted for keeping up my usual “I can do it all”-program, so I collapsed. This forced me into stillness with myself. I did not like this as it meant looking at myself honestly and truthfully. There was much to see I’d rather left hidden. Judgment, blame, fear, and pain were looming behind the mask of ‘action-super-woman’. However, once I was forced into stillness, I couldn’t look away any longer, nor could I pretend any more. I had to deal with everything. While this process was anything but pretty, today, I feel more aligned, more true, and more at peace with myself. Of course, there are better days and ‘the other days’. But overall, I feel different. I am ‘more myself’. Best, I now love being with myself in stillness. These moments are like a rejuvenation retreat for me. I treasure my own company; something I did not even know was possible.

3.       I acknowledge my emotions

 This was a difficult lesson for me, but one I chose to embark on consciously. Books and my therapist led me into the direction of working with my emotions. Growing up, I didn’t learn emotional resilience. I didn’t know emotions held messages for us and how important each emotion is.

I started my healing journey by acknowledging my emotions. I held much bottled-up anger, grief, and frustration; and for my healing, it was vital to release all of these. Over the course of about one and a half years, I cried every day, usually for several hours. While in this process, I could not see the light at the other end of the tunnel. Yet, I stumbled along. There was no returning. Many days, I felt hopeless because I could not imagine life to be different again. However, eventually and countless buckets of tears later, I reached a point where I had let go of the bottled-up emotions.

Today, I process my emotions (almost!) every day which means I cry several times per day, however, this usually only lasts for a few minutes or even just a few sobs.

 4.       I acknowledge my own needs 

Well, I didn’t even know I had needs. I used to put everyone else’s above mine. So, this change required two steps: first, realizing I constantly tried to rescue someone (even if they did not ask for it!) and, second, uncovering my own needs which were hidden behind many layers of perceived unworthiness.

 It is still challenging for me ‘not to rescue everyone but allow them to be on their own journey’ and to be true to my own my needs. Expressing my own needs is something I am consciously working on. Often, I question myself internally right after stating my opinion or asking for something. This can be anything from ‘asking for changes for an ad I am paying for’ or ‘asking my husband to give our child a lift to a sports event because I feel exhausted’.

 Acknowledging my own needs is not to be confused with ‘entitlement’. This is about tuning into my heart, body, soul, and divine guidance and acknowledging my own divine essence while respecting everyone else’s.

 5.       I give myself permission to say ‘no’

 ‘No’ was a word that did not exist in my vocabulary prior to my health challenges. I used to say ‘yes’ even if my insides were screaming ‘no’. Because I am also true to my own word, I over-loaded myself and as a result felt tossed around and controlled by outer circumstances. When I was a ‘yes’-sayer, I attracted plenty of situations into my life adding to my schedule, like being a class representative, managing the soccer team, or organizing social events.

While volunteering is beautiful and can be fulfilling, I know how important it is to discern: Do I really want to do this or is this about someone else wanting me to do something? Is this in alignment with my true nature and my highest path? Do I have a good inner feeling about saying ‘yes’? Otherwise, today, for me, it’s a no.  

6.       I allow myself to rest

This was a difficult lesson for me. I used to run on the treadmill without stopping. However, today, I know (well, most of the time!) how important it is to give myself the permission to rest. This can be about sleeping, taking a break from work, giving my thoughts a rest, or halting my spiritual inner development. I need to balance myself through joy, play, a coffee break on the beach, or by simply sitting with my children.

 7.       I listen to my inner wisdom

My inner journey re-opened my eyes to the wealth and infinite well of inner wisdom we all possess. For me, this inner guidance or intuition is so much smarter and wiser than my human mind (which tends to be influenced by all sorts of filters, past experiences and stories). Discerning my inner wisdom from all the other voices does not always come easy and I can miss it altogether. But I know it is always there and I acknowledge I am (not yet) capable of listening to it all the time. This shift is one of the conscious choices I made and following my intuition has so far never led me astray.

 8.       I pray

I love prayer and I pray every day. For me, prayer is not embedded in a religious frame. Prayer for me is about creating a sacred, safe form of communication because I engage from my heart and true essence. Prayer for me is about truth and light. In prayer, I acknowledge a higher, divine force, which runs through all of creation, including you and me. This is where I connect with the oneness of all.

Prayer opens me up to receiving guidance, insights, compassion, love, or whatever else I may need. Prayer can happen anywhere and anytime. There is not limit. Prayer can consist of one word (‘Help!’) or of many sentences.

In prayer, I may ask for the grace of guidance, or for help with a specific issue, for clarity, or for the balancing of a relationship. In prayer, I may talk about my worries and ask to receive a higher perspective. Sometimes, my prayers are in writing, sometimes I sing. For me, prayer is about a connection with the higher force guiding and running through us. By offering prayer I give myself permission to step into this faith.

Prayer does not relieve me of the responsibilities of my life’s journey. However, it helps me to walk my path consciously, to engage from my heart, and to work on being the best version I can be.

Thank you for reading.