Why Embracing all of my Emotions is the Only Path to Happiness

Embracing all of my emotions (image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

And how I let my feelings live again

“It’s okay to feel angry.”

My therapist told me I had to connect to my emotions.

By now, I sort of knew how this would go.

She seeded the theme.

I‘d be at a complete loss about what she meant.

Next, an avalanche of unpleasant experiences would teach me.

I took a deep breath. I reminded myself why I was pushing through all this; to live happily ever after.

Why Happiness is the not the only emotion that counts

Emotions this time.

Fear. Anger. Jealousy. Shame. Guilt. Sadness.

All the bad stuff. I sensed a discord with my happiness goal. In my vision, there was no space for emotional crap.

Growing up, I had not learnt about emotions and it certainly was not taught at school. Quite the contrary. When you displayed an emotion, you were shamed. Kids laughed at you. 

“Don’t be so emotional.”

This was true of tears, screaming, or anger; all behaviors that were not tolerated. None of the adults I knew expressed emotions in any way. No one spoke about them.

What did I take from this? It was not okay to have emotions.

I tucked them in. I suppressed them at all cost. I remember consciously choosing never to cry again. I kept this promise until my life imploded about thirty years later.

Here I was.

I was supposed to open up that valve again.

A book found me, “The Language of Emotions” written by Karla McLaren, 2010, published by Sounds True.

For the first time, I came across a statement like this:

“Anger is okay. It is okay to feel angry.”

I stared at the sentence and took a moment to absorb it.

This was contradictory to all my beliefs.

How could “being angry” be okay? When I thought back of my experiences of anger, the outcomes had not been ‘okay’.

Anger is an energy. It needs to move.

I remember trying out a new cake recipe for the birthday of our son. The batter did not look or taste right. I was under pressure because the party preparations were precisely timed. I could not lose time on this cake. Anger flushed through me like a hot wave. The energy had to go somewhere and in my case, it was the bowl. I hit it as hard as I could. The batter exploded. Chocolate spills covered the kitchen and my family collapsed in laughter. Shame flooded my face. I wanted to hide under the table.

I suppose a spilled cake does not count as great havoc but at the time it felt terrible. It did not feel ‘okay’.

 I always thought I was the only one feeling anger.

I continued reading, surprised to find out that everyone carries with them this whole set of emotions.

Anger, fear, pain, shame, jealousy, sadness.

Really? Where were they? Why could I hardly see them in anyone I met?

I was confused.

Energy is powerful. It needs to move. (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

If everyone had these emotions, how did people handle them? Did they face them? Did they bottle them up? Did they let them flow? Did they lash out at someone?

I discovered choices.  I could choose how to deal with my emotions in any given moment. I could choose to feel them all, or I could choose to tuck them away where they would haunt me later. They did not simply disappear. I could feel them in my body. Often they sat in my belly leading to cramps and constipation. Another of their favorite hang-outs was on top of my shoulders, as if the whole world was pushing its weight on me. I did not like that. I tried to ignore the pains. They interfered with my happiness model.

How anger turned out to be one of my greatest teachers

Karla McLaren said every emotion was there to convey a message.

I was not convinced. I could not even distinguish my emotions. How could they be messengers?

I kept reading and I learned that anger could help me keep my boundaries. This was about honoring my “self” and my values. In the cake scenario, I was the victim of my own expectations, striving to be the perfect mother/house-wife/party-organizer who had everything under control. My “self” did not agree. Anger flared up to remind me. Parties could be fun, but only if I did not expect myself to shoulder everything. After all, there were four other people in the house who could have supported me had I spoken up and asked.

On a side note, our cat did her best to clean up the chocolate spots. At least she did not have to be told.

Now that I was learning about emotions, I noticed a few things:

• My children expressed their emotions freely. Every time they did, they made me feel uncomfortable.

• There was a lack of emotions displayed in the grown-ups around me, including myself.

• This ‘emotions’ topic felt like the elephant in the room. Everyone tiptoed around it.

Why did children express emotions so openly, but not adults?

Something must have happened.

Emotional patterns span over generations

I had to look at my childhood and my home country Germany.

My grandparents lived through WWII. My parents were born towards the end of the war. My families originate from what is now Poland and used to be part of the German Reich. When WWII ended, these lands were handed to Poland and my grandparents left with their young families. During their toddler years, my parents were exposed to all kinds of drama: fear, trauma, pain, hunger, violence and guilt. I can only imagine “showing weakness”, aka emotions, meant risking your life. Everyone needed strength to pull through. I can imagine the pain and fear were too much to bear, and shoved away, forbidden to resurface. This was their survival strategy.

Most of the trauma was never resolved. It became part of the way they raised their kids, “Don’t show this. Don’t be weak. Don’t cry.” They did not know any better. How could they teach something they never learned?

I saw the amount of pain in their world - which continues to be here today. Still, I believe everyone is striving for happiness.

How I moved from feeling ‘happy’ to feeling ‘whole’

There was a clear discord.

I asked myself a serious question. Was happily ever after even possible?

Because of this goal:

• I ignored my negative feelings until I exploded.

• I tried to control my emotions which backfired. 

• I worked on eliminating events that triggered my negative reactions. This turned out to be impossible given that most of the situations happened at home with my own family!

But what instead?

I needed to rethink my goal.

Maybe happiness came from acceptance?

Maybe happiness came from allowing myself to be whole, including my fears, my pains and my grief?

Maybe it was a good idea to embrace my emotions to see what they could teach me?

Maybe I could feel better about myself if I allowed myself to weep when I felt sad?

Maybe I was a better parent if I modeled to my children that it was okay to feel anger and safe to cry?

Maybe it was a step forward to show my kids how to deal with emotions in a healthy way?

Maybe it was up to me to break the cycle?

Embracing all of myself - including the cracks! - to feel whole (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

It seemed daunting, but exciting at the same time.

I have chosen to walk down that path. I am getting better at it. Still, there are days when I feel like crouching down on the sofa in complete overwhelm. Sometimes it takes me time to remember to embrace these moments as well.

It is okay to feel it all, including the crappy days.

Happiness for me is “feeling whole”.