Are You an Empathic Soul?

Is there chaos all around you? (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

The sickening effects of taking on other people’s emotions

During my journey back to health, I learned that certain foods (like gluten, dairy, or alcohol) triggered toxic reactions in my body.

But when time came for my next lesson, I found out that something was taking an even larger toll on me: negative thoughts and unprocessed emotions.

I had changed my diet and stopped drinking when we went on holiday for a week. We were sharing a house with ten people, which we had done before and I was confident we’d have a brilliant time.

Negativity can trigger toxic reactions in your body

However, during our stay, I was not feeling as expected. I became more and more agitated and what previously seemed fun (starting the day with a glass of bubbles or spending hours browsing the shops) no longer appealed to me.

Conflict brewed inside me. I didn’t dare share my new self with anyone; the me that meditated, read about energies, and peered behind the veil of other dimensions. I was not yet confident enough in my new skin.

Days passed as my inner anxiety rose. My body weakened. The feeling of intoxication was back, of being hungover without the booze. When I dared check, I noticed my eyes turning yellow, a sign of liver weakness. One of the liver’s roles in our bodies is detoxification. I started to panic. I could not understand why this was happening or where the surge of toxins was coming from. After all, I had stopped drinking and consuming foods that my body did not agree with.

What was going on?

On the last day of the trip, I got into a fight with a dear person. He accused me of something. I said something back. We clashed. It was awful. This happened just as everyone was about to leave. I ran away with tears streaming down my face.

Luckily, courage took over and I steered my feet back to the cottage where he was still standing. Through tears, I chokingly reported what was going on inside of me. This helped him move beyond his anger. I had been authentic for the first time during the week.

We departed and I sat in the car, pondering. I was deeply disappointed because the holiday turned out to be challenging for me. At the same time, I felt afraid. What was behind this new wave of toxins?

Taking on others’ emotions may be harmful to your health

Back home, my naturopath helped me restore the balance in my body. A week later, I spoke to my therapist about my experiences. She said I was processing energies for other people.

Wow!

What did that mean?

She explained to me: “Your body goes out of balance when you are around many people, especially when there is a lot of negativity or stress. You pick up those energies and take them on, processing them in your body which is too much for you. This is what makes you feel sick.”

I was astonished.

I had sensed something else was at work within me, prompting these toxic reactions, but I never guessed the culprit would be negative energies.

I had so many questions. Where did these negative energies come from? Why did they affect me so much? Why did they make me feel sick?  

I returned to the book by Karla McLaren: “The Language of Emotions”. Karla speaks about empaths; people who are emotional sponges. I had not come across the term ‘empath’ before, though the concept rang a bell. I wondered if I was an empath. I started googling.

Merriam Webster defines empath as follows: “One who experiences the emotions of others.”

Well, that was definitely me. I was always one of those people who knew what everybody around them was feeling. This was not news at all. What was new was that apparently NOT everyone was like this. I had grown up believing everyone perceived the same way I did. For me, this was natural. Why would I have questioned this? I assumed this was how the world ticked.

The empath concept got me thinking and realizations drifted into my mind. I remembered my grandmother who carried a lot of pain. I felt the need to be extra joyful and easy around her to lighten up her day. I did not consciously feel the pain she must have radiated, but I knew my parents felt it. I, as the child, felt responsible for lifting up the mood to prevent arguments.

I disliked disharmony so I tried to make everyone happy by putting on a humorous, joyful self. I continued this later in life with almost everyone I met, a pattern my therapist referred to as “glossing over”. It never occurred to me this might be detrimental to my own well being.

I also valued deep conversations with other people over small talk. This often involved sharing painful experiences. I loved the bonding experiences that resulted from those talks. Many times, the people I “counseled” simply disappeared from my life afterwards. I always thought we had forged a close friendship. Obviously, that was not the case. Maybe they had needed me in another way?

I had been working on my “glossing over” syndrome for months already, allowing myself to feel all the emotions of the past thirty years. I cried all the bottled up tears. I let out the suppressed anger. I permitted the accumulated clouds of grief to wallow through me. This detox was tough.

Processing other people’s emotions doesn’t help them

My therapist was hinting I might hold other people’s anger, fear, and grief inside of me.

On top of my own?

I could hardly believe it.

She told me to question every emotion I felt to see if it was mine or someone else’s. If the feelings were not mine, I was supposed to send them away. If they were my own, I had to acknowledge them, feel them all the way through, shed those tears, do twenty star jumps, or journal; whatever it would take in that moment.

This task proved extremely difficult. I had no idea how to distinguish between my own sensations and those of other people. I had only just rediscovered emotions and now I was supposed to sort them into buckets? I felt overwhelmed.

My therapist warned me this task would be more challenging around the people I loved because I wanted to help them. However, it was not my job to carry their emotions. This was up to them. By taking their emotions from them, I was rescuing them. This would mean more damage in the long run because it made people dependent and I deprived them of their own learnings.

Everyone carries every emotion. If someone does not know how to recognize and process the emotion, it will go somewhere. It might get stuck in their body. It might be expressed through judgement or blaming others. It might be noticed in a grumpy mood. It might turn into violence. Or it might be absorbed by people like me.

Four techniques that can assist you

I knew I had to learn how to tackle this issue if I was to feel energetic and healthy again.

I tried different avenues.

·       Minimal Contact

One technique involved minimizing contact with people. Because I was healing from years of depression and toxins, my body was unable to process extra emotions. It was simply too much for me to handle.

·       Protective Bubbles

I experimented with protective bubbles. The concept seemed simple. I had to create an imaginary colorful bubble around my body and tell it to keep away negative energies. However, I noticed the bubbles stopped working the moment I felt like helping other people. My rescue instincts quickly seized control and led me to inquire, counsel and help. Bang, energies absorbed.

·       Selective Emotional Absorption

I also read that I was in control of the process because I could choose if I wanted a certain mood or energy to affect me. In theory, this sounded great. In daily life, I found this difficult. Quite often, I noticed I carried a bit of the emotion in me as well. What part of the feeling was someone else’s? What part was my own shadow that wanted to be worked through? Frequently, I did not know.

·       Good Boundaries

The topic of “boundaries” came up. I was supposed to put boundaries around me to OWN myself and finally BE myself, which translated into a life based on my values, my truth, my feelings, my decisions, and my experiences. Boundaries would help me act from my own authentic core. They would stop me from acting because I wanted to please other people, meet their expectations, or soothe their woes (which I still perceived!).

This meant a complete shift of paradigm for me.

Before, I lived to please and spread harmony by catering to everyone’s needs. Now, I was meant to stand up for myself?

I gulped.

Becoming the “new me” involved expressing my opinions. I had never valued my own ideas and, thus, kept them to myself. Now, I was supposed to step out on stage?

It felt scary.

Still, I wanted to heal.

I started small, by expressing gratitude or speaking up at parent-teacher nights. I expanded to some friends and selected family members. I finally began writing about my journey and publishing it as a blog. It felt much easier to express myself to complete strangers than to people I’ve known for years.

Today, I still struggle with boundaries – less than before, but it happens. Only this week I woke up in a happy mood. Two of our children did not. They were grumpy, and my own mood went downhill within half an hour. Luckily, I was capable of voicing myself. After shedding a few tears, we hugged. We consciously let go of our anger and managed to turn the situation around.

In those moments I know I am teaching invaluable lessons to my children and I am proud of this.